The Unreality of my Pregnancy

I have been drafting this post for several weeks now... I’ve talked to several doctors, a therapist, and some close friends about it. 

I am at this point very pregnant! I’m a day shy of being 38 weeks along. 

And yet my whole pregnancy, there has been a HUGE dissociation between myself and my pregnancy.

It feels like it’s happening to someone else, not me! A relative says “wait till you feel her move, then it seems so real :)” and yet she moves and I’m a little indifferent. 

We set up a crib and buy some diapers and a cute outfit. But it feels like it’s for someone else’s baby. 

A doctor I really liked told me this was normal and likely not related to my depression or my IVF. She said it may just be that this whole pregnancy was just so stressful with the move and all that it’s a little jumbled in my brain. 

One thing she suggested was to talk to my belly more. To tell Maelyn how my day is, and what I’m looking at, and how excited I am for her. 

Which I am! At times. 

People at church have been asking “Are you just so ready to be done being pregnant???” And honestly? I’m totally indifferent at this point! I’ve gotten used to being bigger, and feeling a little nauseated, and being tired and uncomfortable, that this is just how life is at this point I feel. 

So I know to SAY “I am so excited for her to come out!” But I’m thinking that she could stay in there for longer or come out, I’m not super hype. 

It’s maybe not the healthiest of mindsets to have. But rest assured I am not doing anything to endanger the baby. I am making healthy eating choices, walking and doing yoga, making sure I get plenty of naps and rests. 

Every now and then I get a moment like “holy crap this is real, this is happening to me.” Bought a book for the little one and cried for a while. Sat in the glider, looking at the boxes of diapers, and realized I was going to use them on my own child. 

It’s just been a weird sort of journey to get here. I am hopeful that when I birth my baby that it will suddenly seem “real” to me, and that everything will make sense then. 

Oh Dang

This is why I’ll never be a famous blogger haha! It has been actual months since I’ve posted anything! And there is definitely been a lot that has happened!

We moved across the country! Started with a new doctor! Set up a nursery! Cried a LOT!

I’ll definitely try to catch up with some posts!

Girl Power! The CNM thought that fist was too funny, she gave us a printout 

I’m Sorry I’m Not More Excited About Your Baby

Today i saw my first pregnancy announcement since my own. 

Despite the life growing inside me, as i looked at that sweet picture, i felt a familiar sick sinking feeling. Hm. So she’s pregnant. Good for them??

I was confused honestly. I was pregnant! I “beat” my infertility! Wasn’t that the goal?! 

But here’s the thing i realized. 

We are always going to be that 1 in 8. 

We are always going to have to use ART to conceive. 

Just because i am pregnant does not mean we are suddenly a normal fertile couple. 

This is something that we’re always going to be dealing with both emotionally and physically, despite how many children I am allowed to carry. 

So, i’m sorry i’m not more excited about your baby. 

Our Announcement Photo

I chose to not wait until the end of the first trimester to announce my pregnancy.

There were a lot of reasons. The primary one being that I have been very open about our journey through IVF. Why not let everyone know that it was successful?

I think the main reason why women wait is because of the fear of miscarriage. I approached that issue as: I am trying to be more open about infertility. I want women to know that I am with them in their struggles. If I did end up miscarrying my baby, I would be open about that too. It is so hard to grieve alone! I did not want that.

So we waited until we got our first little ultrasound pictures.

Made with a whole lot of love... and a little bit of science!!

First Ultrasound

Heard her little heart beat today at 5wks10!

It was a vaginal ultrasound which was how we could get such a clear sound. I cried my eyes out!! It was beyond words how amazing it was to hear that little thump-thump of a heartbeat.

SUCCESS!!

Wow, how can I even describe the day.

February 13th was our transfer day. It was such a spiritual day. In the week that passed, we prayed, we hoped, we dreamed, we wished.

Infertility and expectations are difficult to reconcile. Like, I want to be so excited and hopeful, but I don't want to get my hopes too high, because getting them smushed into the dirt is harder than anything you can imagine! Our failed transfer was devastating, and I was torn this time between wanting to dance with joy and hide and forget it happened.

I was scheduled for my blood test on Friday, February 22nd.

Buuuuut on Thursday night, I may have had a leftover pregnancy test from last year....

 

And that was a positive!!! I was overcome with shock!! It actually worked?? All our hard work and tears was actually worth something??

Sure enough, I got the call from our sweet doctor on the afternoon of Friday, and he confirmed it! I took a video to send to our parents, but it is pretty cringey! I shouted out "now way!" when he told me, and he responded with "uh, yes way!" And then gave very dire warnings to continue my butt shots until ten weeks. Can do! 

It definitely made the shots easier, knowing that it was actually TOWARD something!

We had an appointment scheduled for our first ultrasound for six weeks!!

Lots to say!

Now that my brain space is starting to feel a little more normal... I have a few posts to catch up on! This is why I'll never be a world-class "blogger" tbh. Oh well!