I have been drafting this post for several weeks now... I’ve talked to several doctors, a therapist, and some close friends about it.
I am at this point very pregnant! I’m a day shy of being 38 weeks along.
And yet my whole pregnancy, there has been a HUGE dissociation between myself and my pregnancy.
It feels like it’s happening to someone else, not me! A relative says “wait till you feel her move, then it seems so real :)” and yet she moves and I’m a little indifferent.
We set up a crib and buy some diapers and a cute outfit. But it feels like it’s for someone else’s baby.
A doctor I really liked told me this was normal and likely not related to my depression or my IVF. She said it may just be that this whole pregnancy was just so stressful with the move and all that it’s a little jumbled in my brain.
One thing she suggested was to talk to my belly more. To tell Maelyn how my day is, and what I’m looking at, and how excited I am for her.
Which I am! At times.
People at church have been asking “Are you just so ready to be done being pregnant???” And honestly? I’m totally indifferent at this point! I’ve gotten used to being bigger, and feeling a little nauseated, and being tired and uncomfortable, that this is just how life is at this point I feel.
So I know to SAY “I am so excited for her to come out!” But I’m thinking that she could stay in there for longer or come out, I’m not super hype.
It’s maybe not the healthiest of mindsets to have. But rest assured I am not doing anything to endanger the baby. I am making healthy eating choices, walking and doing yoga, making sure I get plenty of naps and rests.
Every now and then I get a moment like “holy crap this is real, this is happening to me.” Bought a book for the little one and cried for a while. Sat in the glider, looking at the boxes of diapers, and realized I was going to use them on my own child.
It’s just been a weird sort of journey to get here. I am hopeful that when I birth my baby that it will suddenly seem “real” to me, and that everything will make sense then.
